ROCK STAR BABY

I don't know what to say. I have no apologizes about the hair. I am officially an aunt today.

" I'm your lover, I'm your zero."

Tita syndrome

I talked to Kuya today. He was tense. He actually woke me up from the best sleep in along time of bad sleep and sleeplessness. I love him allot. I just really realized this through hazy eyes and sleepy fingers.

"Sara will be induced tomorrow."
" ...like inducted?" I said "What?" This brought back memories of the X-files and Ian's mad scientist tendencies.
"Uh, CHRIS. They are going to induce labor tomorrow."
"Oh, FUCK" I said. "I am going to be a TITA like for real, like no joke, like you're going to be a PAPA and Sara's going to be a Momma. DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?"
"WELL, you can tell Ross something for me" he said
"K, this better not be too techy or whatever."
"It's fine, just write this down."
I wrote this down and Now there's a note sitting by ROSS' computer b/c that's the only place he'll look, for sure.
The note reads:

Ross,
Ian wants you to take his Shaman and his warlock and empty mailbox.
Put all the stuff in the bank.
<3 ate

In other news...
I reread the "The Unbearable Lightness of Being."
And, This is about love:
We all reject out of hand the idea that the love of our life maybe something light or weightless; we presume our love is what must be, that without it our life would no longer be the same; we feel that Beethoven himself, gloomy and awe-inspiring, is playing the "Es Muss sein!" to our great love.
What a great love.
Remember, the way it sounds. It's danceable, memorable.
NOW, LISTEN
"May we never be stripped of anything we love. May we grow so gentle; never go mental."

"Forecast Fascist Future"
- Of Montreal-

begin this way?

On riots:

1. They wanted to get rid of corruption; he wanted to get rid of me. Neither provided easy solutions. The "getting rid" of corruption would require an overhaul of the government. The "getting rid" of me would require a complete overhaul of something else.

2. ... because these rain droplets fall from the clouds like tears. They form out of heaviness. They collide. They break apart. You wonder if anyone else thinks about the beauty of raindrops.

3. thousands line the streets in distinct colors, distinct shapes.

4. The city clamoured in anger. She was in pursuit of silence or peace. This is what she said to you. She speaks in hushed tones.
"Shh," she says "Don't you get it? it hasn't happened yet."
"I know," you say in more than an honest whispher. " I keep waiting for this."
THIS-- but, you don't know in fact you have no idea that in a few minuts a riot will break out.

clouds in dreams

I had a dream last night (or this morning, depending on who you ask,etc.)
I was sitting on a cloud.

my girl:
Thomas J. Sennett: What do you think it's like?
Vada Sultenfuss: What?
Thomas J. Sennett: Heaven.
Vada Sultenfuss: I think... everybody gets their own white horse and all they do is ride them and eat marshmallows all day. And everybody's best friends with everybody else. When you play sports, there's no teams, so nobody gets picked last.
Thomas J. Sennett: But what if you're afraid to ride horses?
Vada Sultenfuss: Doesn't matter 'cause they're not regular horses. They've got wings. And it's no big deal if you fall 'cause you'll just land in a cloud.

oh, the cure:
Spinning on that dizzy edgeI kissed her face and kissed her headAnd dreamed of all the different ways I hadTo make her glow"Why are you so far away?" she said"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you?That I'm in love with you?"

You Soft and onlyYou Lost and lonely You Strange as angels Dancing in the deepest oceans Twisting in the water You're just like a dream...


You Soft and only
You Lost and lonely
You Just like heaven.

black and white

a birdcage without a bird

I came up with a new band name. Now, I just need a band. Anyone interested?
I can play the cowbell!

In other news, I am up way too early. Considering my current situation, I am going for a swim.

Everyone's talking about ruling the world. But, Honestly, I just want to live in it.
Live in it with me?

New opening: Manila speaks to me like she always has and comes through in fragments over the ocean...
wait, I don't like this one.

I am going to look at pictures of the writing on walls.

not if you were the last junkie on earth

i feel like Paranoid like the song by GARBAGE but I am a little less hip than Shirley Bend me
Break me Anyway you need me As long as I want you baby it's all right.
"get this!" I would like to be a little less crazy but maybe it's just lack of sleep what a waste of time: SLEEP
"i only sleep to dream" "i can hear you singing to me in my sleep" "And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.You're what I couldn't find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You're everything to me.

Oh, my life,
Is changing every day,
In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams,
It's never quite as it seems,
'Cause you're a dream to me,
Dream to me."

Age of Empires III, nap = me all day today. DEAL, man.

"i'm always ready to go."

since you went
away
my heart
is forced to
find a new place

where is it?
how many miles?
Oh, you measure in Kilometers?

does it matter?

I've found a new place
sometimes when this
place gets kind of empty
I think about
how I've heard this all
before
in a song
about leaving,
staying,
being-in-the-world
with someone else
and playing
in fields
shooting stars
etc.

Let's watch the stars like
we used to...
our new places can wait.
they can whisper to us in
the night.
we can listen together
and make out the
words
and wish that we knew
what we wanted

maybe, these places
we'll go
we can go together
we don't have to leave
each
place
and pretend
to not miss what
we miss.

Stop, looking.
I'm here,
waiting.

when I really miss her, she seems really far away.

He said he loved you
and you believed him

then you flew
around the world
... and became
what he wanted.

then you let him go.
and he believed you.

magnetism

"we build something, they blow it up."

some things (quickly) about the world, poetry, sleeplessness

... "a girl named Amber walked across a room
and everything became a new-made poem."
..."and after her, poetry overexposed."


this is my favorite one:
"SO BRIGHT the heart opening
with a slam."

what happens when your heart opens?

and what happens If it likes to SLAM into things
and then you get in trouble because it gets too good at it
and it slams against pillars then buildings fall
and it bangs against those indie kids that like to rock out with their whatevers out
not singing along but playing a long in the game of "cool" and "uncool"

.... what if, it stays BRIGHT? and you smile too much? and you're sleeplessness comes from all of the BRIGHTNESS and you just can't get away
IT's not like you want to anyway. Because you can't.
Because you are too busy, slamming into things.

the history of cpr or me with you

I should be writing about Cambodia.

you were

developed to
heal and treat
my body
from the sudden
onset of chaotic
electrical
activity


you had

originally intended
to preserve life,
restore health,
relieve, and preserve
an electrical line

an electrical line
is a shockwave of
pluses and minuses
that gets somehow
lost in all of
the magnetics
in the constant
pull and pushing
of those opposing
poles

but, don't you get it?
I want you
My +/-
okay, you pull. I'll pull

you only
serve to
sustain me
as I pull

I sing
+'s
-'s

This is me with you.

stuff written on walls

I want to be a radio DJ.
I want to write a novel
I want to play the cow bell in a rock and roll band.

oh, go stare at walls
oh, go jump in a lake

love. love. love. love. love.

about me

I woke up this morning with Echo and the Bunnymen doing a number in my head. They played and I yawned. They played "Under the Milky way Tonight."

I listened. The lyrics go:
I got no time for private consultation,
under the milky way tonight.
wish I knew what you were looking for
might have known what you would find.

My day usually begins like this. There's always a tune doing a number in my head. Sometimes it's a good tune like "Under the Milky way Tonight" or "Spanish Bombs." But, most of the time, it gets pretty embarrassing. Most of the time, songs like "I Wanna Know What Love is" or "I Can't Hurry Love" play and wake me up. They stay for the whole day. They hold on for dear life like I am a sinking ship or something. They play and go around and around. Imagine, doing groceries and hearing the lyrics to a Foreigner tune:
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
I through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

Oh, and your in the dairy aisle. You're shopping for cheese. Then you realize that things can't get any better because you are shopping for cheese and you're listening to Foreigner.
And it goes around and comes around. Okay, this is not a JT reference. Although, in all fairness, he is pretty hot and yes, I am jealous of Scarlett Johansson in that video where he kisses her and she pretends not to like it!

More about me...
I dig movies. And, chocolate everything. I like icecream; vanilla is my favorite!
And, I twirl my hair when I am nervous. I am doing this now. Maybe, I am a little nervous. Maybe, it's all the coffee or the Keso ice cream?

Wait, what about me?
What I mean to say is "I dig music." Because, without it; there'd be nothing to wake up to.
I can't even imagine a world without music. I listen to all kinds.
I can be pretty pretentious about it. But, if you ask me, there's no such thing as bad music. There's just noise.

And, no one likes waking up to noise. I like to ease into noise with music. So, I guess this is my point. Music eases me into life.