crazy people

New opening line: "All the crazy people I've met, I've found on the street."

or something like this.

How Filipino am I?

[ X] eat rice like everyday
[ ] take off your shoes before you walk into someones house?
[ X] when you get in trouble, your parents look at you in a weird way?
[ ] you get hit with the hand or a slipper or a belt?
[X ] you talk in tagalog a lot? (haha)
[X ] you've been to the Philippines?
[X ] your parents are strict but cool?
[X ] you sing or put on the magic mice at parties
[ x] you sometimes act as if you're in the Philippines?
[X ] you bless your elders by the hand?
[ X] you eat Filipino food a lot?
[ ] at parties, you always serve at least bbq, pancit, and rice?
[ X] you always serve your guest food or drinks, even if they don't want any?
[x ] you have a lot of plants in your house
[ X] you break the rules a lot.

I am apparently only 60% Filipino.
Go figure.

book worms

I am reading AUTO FICTION.

I will not stop till I understand how she writes so well.

Maybe, I will never know.

laLalaLA, I am such a nerd.

i feel like

I like to make play lists on aeroplanes!!!

Things never go as planned.

remember: play list was written on Tui Non (motion sickness bag)
Vietnam Airlines
Flight from HO CHI MIN to SIEM REAP

I guess the playlist shows how I am feeling. Well, I guess "was" feeling would be more appropriate.

Transmission- Joy Division
Blankets like Beavers- Chin up Chin up
Some Cities - Doves
Alala - CSS
Tomorrow - Death Cab For Cutie
Holiday in Cambodia - Dead Kennedys
Under the Milkyway Tonight - echo and the bunnymen
Busy Signal - the exploding hearts
(Just Like We) Breakdown - Hot Chip
Sunny Afternoon - the Kinks
Never as Tired as when I am waking up- LCD Soundsystem
Say What You Mean - Make Believe
Love is a Place - Metric
Ursa Minor - At the Drive in
The Charming Man - The Smiths
Megalomaniac - +/-
Easy Girl - Coconut Records
Alone in Kyoto- Air

*****

Siem Reap (which means the place where Siem fell)
to Hanoi, 2 hours; heavy head; tired eyes; little brother on shoulder; music blocks noise; i've decided to stop listening to the news

a few things i've learned (mostly thanks to the discovery channel): Electricity wasn't invented it was discovered; don't be a dumbass; half a volt is not alot of electricity; dumbass; it's much harder to find ancient DNA that's still intact; my DNA isn't intact?; that's right dumbass! it has trees growing out of it; oh, like tomb raider shit; that's right dumbass just like tombraider; oh, there's no way that humans alone could have built it; where do you think DNA comes from?; Oh, the universe, the solar system; it radiates; it breaks apart; it has gravity, weight, movement.

Playlist on THE SOCIALIST REPUBLIC OF VIETNAM's ARRIVAL- DEPARTURE DECLARATION CARD

What's up- 4 non blondes
can't smile without you - Barry M.
son of a preacher man- Dusty S.
Somebody I used to know - Elliot Smith
Let's Go - the feelies
Mushaboom (postal service remix)- Feist
Dreams- Fleetwood Mac
Lovers need lawyers- the good life
Parenthesis - the blow
forth time around - bod dylan
It's all gonna break - broken social scene
glory days- bruce springsteen
Drive- the cars
Needy girl - chromeo
the most beautiful girl - data rock
Ava Adore- smashing pumpkins
Gut feeling- Devo
Look After Me - Hot Chip
Lola - the kinks
City girl- kevin shields

*****
saigon to manila
philippine airlines; on tranquil traveller ; for your comfort and well being in the air; feathers; pillow forts.

dance music - the mountain goats
trapped under ice floes- +/-
i don't like it like this - the radio dept.
california - joni mitchell
hey- pixies
the twist - metric
the ocean - VHS or BETA
trigga hiccups- menomena
augustine - patrick wolf
where you'll find me now - neutral milk hotel
bodysnatchers - radio head
singing in my sleep - semisonic
prophecy - remy zero
mad world - tears for fears
satellite - TV on the RADIO
Dancing Barefoot - Patti Smith
It's a hit - Rilo Kiley
;mirror in the sky what is love?; a: BODY SNATCHER

Kayuzo Sejima

I wish I was an architect.
Poetic, because:
"The fifteen rooms are there to allow both escape and togetherness, 'so that people can choose their distance depending on their feeling.' "

nice boy

NOW, LIFE OST (also The BEACH OST)

• 01 - Leftfield - Snakeblood
• 02 - All Saints - Pure Shores
• 03 - Moby - Porcelain
• 04 - Dario G Featuring Vanessa Quinones - Voices
• 05 - Underworld - 8 Ball
• 06 - Sugar Ray - Spinning Away
  
• 07 - Asian Dub Foundation - Return of Django
  
• 08 - Blur - On Your Own (Crouch End Broadway Mix)
  
• 09 - Mory Kante - Yeke Yeke (Hard Floor Mix)
  
• 10 - Faithless - Woozy
  
• 11 - Barry Adamson - Richard, It's Business As Usual
  
• 12 - New Order - Brutal
  
• 13 - UNKLE - Lonely Soul
  
• 14 - Angelo Badalamenti & Orbital - Beached
  

****
In other news...
My coffee mug has snowballs and reindeer as its day coat. It changes in the evening when it becomes my after dinner tea cup. When its evening coat , which has a billy goat on a sun burnt hill who seeks shelter underneath a weeping Banyan tree, reminds me that I am tropical;
I cry for the first time in a long time. I am reminded that I am not cut out for the winter.

day glo/ disco

"BRUTAL" new order:
Sometimes I feel
That you're a part of me
Although it don't seem real
It's how I want it to be
But if you can't stay then I'll understand
You're just sawdust in my empty hand
If you can't decide
I'll still be true
Just open wide
I'm here for you

And if you think that you've found
A gentle sound
Where love breaks down
It's alright.
And if you can't overcome
What get's you down
Don't get uptight
It's alright.

*****
Runway
walks like
everyone's watching
but, no one really sees
the beauty of his
skin
eye color
lip shape

they're too busy
worrying about
their own shapes
eye color
skin type
... to think about his shape
would be to break open the
parts of the solar system
like they're covered in bubble
wrap

then, they'd cut up what was whole into
fractions, and scribble their
findings in notebooks...
Their notebooks
eventually get placed on a shelf.
they aren't covered in
bubble wrap
because now they are
covered in dust.

contents/spill out of holes

these pictures work well together. they tell a story. although, I am not quite sure what story. Perhaps, it's the color purple or the things haning on the walls.

on holes: " I had been wondering all along whether it was really safe to put a whole through such a tough part of the body."- H. Kanehara

books

Nabokov wrote all of his novels on index cards first. Vera would drive him around for hours. He'd sit in the back seat and write. These little lines would come and go. He knew everything about his characters before he wrote them. I am a hopeless case of a Nabokovian Existentialist
Wannabe Writer/critic. I hate critics, too bad.

I am a critic.

Critic/ Recent Books I like:
Anthropology and A Hundred Other Stories -Dan Rhodes
V. - Thomas Pynchon
Snakes & Earrings- Hitomi Kanehara
Hip: The History- John Leland
Nonviolence: Twenty-five Lessons from The History of a Dangerous Idea- Mark Kurlansky

Critic's quote/say/decide:
"...No doubt Orwell would have been skeptical of the contentions advanced by author Mark Kurlansky in his new primer, "Nonviolence: Twenty-Five Lessons From the History of a Dangerous Idea." Compared with the standard histories offered in American public education, these arguments can safely be described as contrarian: "The case can be made that it was not the American Revolution that secured independence from Britain," Kurlansky writes; "it was not the Civil War that freed the slaves; and World War II did not save the Jews."
"For every Crusade and Revolution and Civil War," he explains further, "there have always been those who argued, with great clarity, that violence not only was immoral but that it was even a less effective means of achieving laudable goals." Joining the chorus of dissidents, Kurlansky attempts to shed light on the epic failures of warfare to secure peace, as well as to cultivate a new understanding of "the way in which things actually happen" in history."

how do you commit?

like this. or this?
or,
"I am an American aquarium drinker
I assassin down the avenue
I'm hiding out in the big city blinking
What was I thinking when I let go of you?

Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke, so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?"

OH, Wilco.

today Labyrinth

... I'm going to make hummus and some Shepherd's Pie for Ross who has this fascination with everything English
.... Because he drinks tea in the morning with cream and sugar and he sips it and says "Good morning love..." and I laugh because he tries so hard. I stopped trying a while ago

... I am going to the art museum
... I am going to fly to Egypt and buy a camel and ask it about storage and room and how it manages to hold it all in when it gets too heavy or when it it just wants to let go.
.... sea turtles, people, city, volcano, coffee....

I am going to the grocery
... I am going to lay by the pool and read all about Japanese sub-culture... "a cult classic" what does this mean anyway? Just like John Hughes, The Labyrinth, Taxi Driver... Ok, get the picture?

....
"If I'd live in another time or place
my story might have had a very different ending."
or how about this one?
" Love is all a matter of timing."

Think long.

Patti Smith, Novels start out in little paragraphs like this one but probably not!

after an hour long conversation with my mom about boys, life, beaches, how much love we have...
Ready, Start, now: OK! GO!
after almost a foot of snow had fallen on to the ground and then hung on like cement, of course I had to think about how some part of me was bathing in the pacific, laying on a beach coated in coconut sun oil. Of course, She's listening to music. For her, there was always music--the sound of the crabs feeding on the sand, the crackling of rock against shell as it comes in on the tide in waves of threes and fours. There are no white caps only clear, blue waters. She says in a whispher, "I am coming closer to you."
Sand covers the earth the same way snow does. It just sings a different song.

Oh, I've been feeling strange. I feel kind of like a crab or a mongoose.

Patti Smith helps. She reminds me that I am human.

"here I go and I don't know why I fell so ceaselessly could it be he's taking over me... I'm dancing barefoot heading for a spin some strange music draws me in makes me come on like some heroin... (oh god I fell for you ...)"

enough of that/this.
I am extra tired today. And, I mean it this time. I am going to listen to some Toto and cuddle next to my puppy who is sick. He's got some sort of infection. His coughs sound deep and painful.
I pretend to understand how he feels. I realize that I will never know for sure how he feels.
I guess this is the nature of relationships. There are always walls.

recently played

Where you been?
When we meet we can talk awhile
I can sleep in your dreams
And true affection floats
True affections sinks like a stone
I never felt so close
I never felt so all alone

... I've been waiting a while
for Wine, then bed, then more, then again
for true affection and you were 20,000 underneath the sea
When you say it's no love affair
I will know and when we go
I'll be the only thing who cares.
And I still believe in the phrases that we breathed
But I know the distance isn't fair to cross
... I've been waiting a while
I can't stay, I can for the night, for the night
For the weekend and the night
I've been aiding my fall
Aiding my fall, aiding my fall

I can sleep in your dreams
You can take a live wire into the bath with you
For a feeling you can't find
You can entertain your childhood friends with a tour of the bedroom
Laugh to erase the dirt on your mind

The night alone I've been waiting...
Too little too late but we don't say no
It's too much to feel
I'll be long gone

I will know and when we go
I'll be the only thing who cares

****
the Blow- true affection
sunset rubdown-three colors
the numbers- beast life
the smiths- I started something I couldn't finish
talk talk- it's my life
Tapes n' Tapes- Omaha
semisonic-singing in my sleep
the willoz- something
+/- -Here we are again
the kinks- Lola
Echo & the Bunnymen- under the milky way tonight
coconut records-easy girl
sufjan stevens- chicago
the blood brothers- love rhymes with a hideous car wreck
sonic youth- superstar
why?- yo yo goodbye
new order- ceremony
gang of four- natural's not in it
the moldy peaches- anyone else but you
the cure- all cats are grey
the beatles- I will
CSS- Let's make love and listen death from above

It's true...
We all have good intentions
But all with strings attached

statistics... I am one

the science of sleep
is difficult
to maneuver and
understand.

here's a scientific
truth?
statistical truth!
... More than 70 million Americans
are affected by sleep problems
.. averaging 4.5 hours a night

this explains allot about
america and
allot about me.

warhol love

words/ play/ randomly:

photo
pieces

warholian mentality

anger comes from
not knowing
how to be

free

more walls

I have photo lessons later. Here are some walls that I like.
I like walls. They keep things out. They keep things in.

make me happy.

i've been going through old pictures. the memories come in cycles.
this one is a charmer. it provides the warm and fuzzy feeling...
it is beautiful even if we're drunk and it was taken with a disposable camera.
i love it. it is my favorite.

shark

...except i think the shark thing is a myth.

just an after thought.


I am REALLY studying my history-- the US Occupation.

So, I've been thinking allot about occupation, resistance, capture...


What would this feel like... to be the one who does the capturing?

relationship advice

Oh, Woody Allen!

- A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

-Sylvia Plath - interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality.

I am moving on from "college girl mentality." I am not sure if this is a good thing.

I love +/- and this is the soundtrack to post-college girl mentality.

speaks wonders,
wise words

Liz's Monologue: she sounds like me!

Liz interviewed me the other day. She interviewed me for a monologue. I've been meaning to put this up for a while.
/ thanks Liz ! Oh and I will "keep adding to (my) sentences rapidly, making (my) thoughts little islands connected by dashes." /

Q: Have you ever been close to death?

Well yeah, well my grandpa died when I was like thirteen but that was like the closest I’ve been to someone that I-I loved experiencing death but um, I think the first time I experienced death was probably when I went to the American cemetery here and that’s like—a WWII memorial for all the soldiers, the American soldiers that were here during the war that died.

They have all these crosses without names on them, they just have numbers but there are no bodies in them.

And I remember thinking like, “Well that’s weird…like we’re remembering people but there’s no physical evidence of them being on earth really, just these crosses have numbers--it’s really bizarre.”

So, that was my first experience with death but I think my grandpa’s death was a big deal too…

Um, I was actually in a play when it happened, I was doing Grease (laughs), and um…I-I was Rizzo and my dad, like, I remember looking, for my dad in the audience, he wasn’t there and I was like “Whoaa, that’s not cool,” you know?

And I found out after, my grandpa had a stroke, which was really sad, but….cause he wasn’t sick or anything, he was healthy and then, um, he had a stroke, he was at the dinner table? He was eating and he had a stroke.

So um…I don’t know, my grandmother was there and she was telling me about it the other day…and I was like “oh that’s so sad,” I didn’t know that everyone was home when it happened, but it was very, um….(can’t finish)

Like, I like to think my grandpa’s still here, right? Somewhere…like, part of him.

Um, and so it’s possible because I think—you know, that’s the hardest thing about death is that…someone leaves for good, and you can’t call them up on the phone and you can’t like, uhh talk to them…so--and hear their voice--so I think—that’s when I started praying again really, was like after he died and um, I mean I don’t do it as often as I used to but—you know, I think that was a way of talking to him.

That’s why a lot of the stuff I write is, I think, revolves around him. Like, the idea of the spirit of him being around.

There’s some places here that remind me of him and like, foods that I eat that remind me of him? Like, there’s a thing here called pan de sal which are little pieces, like, they’re little pieces of bread and they’re salty, and you would put sugar cubes on them and when I was little, we made them, and they were like salty and sugary on the inside—like, around the inside. But that’s what they tasted like. Um, the texture’s really weird.

So everytime I eat that I think of him…but yeah, usually when people talk about that, that’s what I think of, about death.

How I felt, and how my family felt, and how I still feel about it.

But um, I think it gets easier dealing with someone gone like that, like I still feel like he’s here in little things like pictures and food (laughs). Cause he loved food.

Yeah, I wish I could say that I still believed in like heaven, or hell, but I think—I don’t know, I-I feel like we invent stuff like that to deal with it, to make it easier, you know?

Um, I mean maybe you live on with people who love you, maybe that’s why you need to make connections with people…I don’t know.

NYC Calling

Lauren and I
are NYC Girls '08.

cambodia calling

I received an offer the other day. It's an offer to photograph Cambodia.

V. Underground. Peace. Joy Division.

I was singing it in my sleep. Now, I am singing it still...

Sunday morning
Brings the dawn in
It's just a restless feeling by my side
Early dawning
Sunday morning
It's just the wasted years so close behind
Watch out the world's behind you
There's always someone around you who will call
It's nothing at all


Sunday morning
And I'm falling
I've got a feeling I don't want to know
Early dawning
Sunday morning
It's all the streets you crossed, not so long ago
Watch out the world's behind you
There's always someone around you who will call
It's nothing at all


Sunday morning

Also, I had a dream featuring Joy Division. In the dream, I was Ian Curtis' girlfriend. We were out for a drive on a foggy day. He crashed into a tree. "LOVE will TEAR US APART!" started playing. The fog played it. It sang and I listened. I am listening, still.