cookbook. love.

Today, I had to explain to my Dad that "No, THE FEAST OF LOVE is not a cookbook!" and "No,
I am not in a weird mood. I just don't feel like swimming!"

But, then maybe I am in a weird mood... I haven't been sleeping (like at all lately). There is no real reason for this...
Perhaps, b/c of these pretend conversations I like to have in my head. Most of the "pretend convos" occur in Paris Cafes. Like that Jim Jarmusch film with the coffee and cigarettes and cafes. And, oh so very French Philosophical conversation.
So, take this JARMUSCH! Ha
SLEEPLESSNESS/ the Reasons

"ANXIETY?"
"Perhaps, I am anxious, tangental, and incoherent"
"Commitment Anxiety."
" I am not irresponsible"
"You are not answering the question."
"Yeah. Yes. Perhaps I am more than a little Fucked up."

Oh, shit. This conversation reads like dialogue from a prententious Indie flick where all the characters "prentend" to have problems to fit in... to be modern or too post-modern or existential or whatever. They do this to "pretend" to feel. They are less lonely in their feeling.
These aren't real conversations.

But, then what's real anyway? what's actual? Oh, k. Now we are getting to the root of the issue.
I need to stop thinking. This pseudo-philosophical dialog is kind of making me feel shit-er. ha, I like the word "shit" a lot. Maybe, because my Dad once told me that "shit" is not a feminine word."
He said,
"Pretty little Asian Girls should not be using such words."
I said,
"Why not?" (I wanted to say, "Why the fuck not?")
A:
"Boys don't like girls who sound like Futbol players."
My A:
"What if in a past life I was a Futbol player?"
He said:
"Just do as your told..."
My A:
"Si, papa."
A:
"Oh, don't get cute with me"
I made him Beso. I gave myself a pat on the back. Good, Girl! bravo!

....
So, I am done being crazy.
"When you pour your first cup of coffee of the day, if you're feeling crummy, put a dab of ice cream into it. It's festive. Then you gotta trudge off like everyone else, like I said, but you got the ice cream with you. Forget art. Put your trust in Ice-cream."

Or, this one about meteors:
" Because it was august or because it was time for them to die. The meteors were all suicidal. They were bored with space, he said, looking up toward the night sky. They were burning themselves in the atmosphere. A meteor deathfest. It was romantic, the way the trees were romantic..."

Speaking of ROMANTIC.
I had a conversation about first loves today.
"First loves never die..."
"... because, they evolve."
"I wish they'd evolve quickly."
"I hate my first love"
"That's not the worst thing that can happen to love. It can change into indifference."
"First love's name will always be on the tip of my tongue."
"... I say it when there's no one around. Or, when I examine pour sizes in the magnifying mirror. when I retrace fingerprints, kisses, conversations...."
".... this is when you realize... "
"what?"
"You need to stop pretending?"
"Pretending?"
"That you don't deserve love."
"Is love something you deserve?"
-- BESO--

One for the road... (or in my case the bed, my head is full of these conversations.)
"He made me feel actual."

ACTUAL
def
2 a: existing in act and not merely potentially b: existing in fact or reality <actual and imagined conditions> c: not false or apparent <actual costs>3: existing or occurring at the time : current actual commission of a crime>